Why I Need Plastic Surgery

I have come to a grand realization today.  Apparently, my face is displeasing to some people.  Largely because, and pardon the pun, my nose is too large.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve heard this.  Once, while I was working at Starbucks, I took a man’s order and he asked “Are you Italian?”  I politely answered yes (because I was being paid to be polite, dammit) and he smugly said “I can see that.  It’s the nose.”

Why thank you, sir.  I needed you to point out one of my largest, again pardon the pun, insecurities.

Now today, I started my day with a similar message from a lovely gentleman* on my online dating app.  I use the term “gentleman” facetiously as he was rather egregiously NOT a gentleman.

::Pause for applause while I congratulate myself on those big girl words that I managed to squeeze into one sentence.  And the fact that I just rhymed the crap out of pause and applause.  I am on a roll!::

I would like to share the interaction with you.  I will be using the following abbreviations:

MF- stands for Mother-Fucker AKA the bastard who felt he had the nerve to insult me without due cause.

BB- stands for Beautiful Bitch AKA me when I’m pissed off.

Keep in mind that this is how the conversation begins.

MF- Decent bod but not feeling the nose. U got anymore pics (THIS WAS HIS OPENING LINE)

BB- Congratulations! You’re the biggest scumbag of the day!  Thanks for the degrading comments to start my morning.  Much appreciated.  Have a great day!

MF- Just being honest (WHO ASKED YOU??)

MF- I don’t like weird shaped noses ginabear (Ginabear?  Wtf?  Are we cool now?)

MF- Its too masculine for me (SO WHY DID YOU MESSAGE ME AT ALL??? Also, there should be a damn apostrophe in “it’s”- you moron.)

MF- Ya dig? (I don’t dig. I’m not a fucking miner).

BB- So here’s an idea, don’t message me.

MF- Good idea.  Because I don’t appreciate your tone/nose (I don’t appreciate you pretending that being a dick is the same thing as being “honest.”  Honest is if I had asked for your opinion of my nose and received the same response.  What you did, sir, is just plain imbecilic, demeaning and RUDE).

Well folks, I suppose that’s it.  Clearly it’s time for me to get a nose job.  I’m just offending people left and right with my hideously “masculine,” “Italian” features.  If my face isn’t making men happy, clearly I have to change it.  Right?  That’s what society tells us, no?

If you’re not pretty enough, get some work done!  Boobs too small?  We’ve got silicone for that!  Nose too big?  We’ve got a scalpel for that!  Stomach too big?  We’ve got lipo for that!

Why the hell can’t we stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to look perfect?  You’re not perfect.  I’m not perfect.  MF is not even CLOSE to being perfect.  So let’s just work on loving who we are for more than what’s on the outside.  We are all going to age- things will start to sag, skin will wrinkle, hair will fall out and plenty of other stuff that I’m not ready to think about yet- but a good person will always be a good person.

So no, while I’m sure that a nose job would make me look better than I do now- my intention is not to change my looks (especially not because of a disgusting excuse for a man), but to change my attitude.

Don’t get me wrong, I highly doubt my sass is going anywhere- but my outlook on physical perfection has got to get the boot.

I am tired of hearing men tell me that I’m not fit enough or that my nose is too big or that my boobs are too small.  It’s my body!  If I like it, that’s all that matters.  If you don’t like it, there are a million fish in the sea, sweetheart.

Go fish.

 

 

New Year, Same Me

The New Year is fast approaching and you know me, I’m not one to miss a chance to post about a clichéd, yet nuanced  tradition!

But I’m going to give it to you straight, I don’t plan on becoming a “New Me” for the new year.  I am in a constant state of transition.  Every day I become a new me. Don’t you?

Every day a new thought pops into my head.  Half the time they are absolutely ridiculous like, “If the Sanderson sisters had been dead for 300 years, how did they know exactly how to use a microphone for their epic ‘I Put a Spell On You’ dance number?” or “Italian sounds so much prettier than English- an Italian man could spend an hour describing a carrot to me and I will have already accepted his proposal, married him, and had his child in in my head in that time.”  But you know, those are just the thoughts that keep me sane and giggling to myself in a corner.  (That’s the definition of sane, right?)

In addition to those Einstein level realizations, I do have the occasional meaningful thought.  One day I thought, “I want to help promote independent film and encourage aspiring film-makers to follow their dreams.”  Want to know what happened?  I created a successful film festival.  And it’s great.  (Rahway International Film Festival– check it out.)

My point is, every day will bring you new ideas and no one says that you have to wait until January 1st to make a move.  (If they do, stop talking to them.  You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.)

I will always be “me.”  I am both the same and new.  Every day brings something new- new lessons, new ideas, new plans, new skin cells…all that jazz.  My values remain the same, my morals remain the same even as my hopes and dreams evolve.

Start today, start tomorrow, start in March, who cares.  Start when you are ready to make a change.  You don’t need to reinvent yourself for the new year.  You should accept who you are and do everything in your power to become the best version of yourself that you can be – starting on any day that you damn well please.