I have come to a grand realization today. Apparently, my face is displeasing to some people. Largely because, and pardon the pun, my nose is too large.
This isn’t the first time that I’ve heard this. Once, while I was working at Starbucks, I took a man’s order and he asked “Are you Italian?” I politely answered yes (because I was being paid to be polite, dammit) and he smugly said “I can see that. It’s the nose.”
Why thank you, sir. I needed you to point out one of my largest, again pardon the pun, insecurities.
Now today, I started my day with a similar message from a lovely gentleman* on my online dating app. I use the term “gentleman” facetiously as he was rather egregiously NOT a gentleman.
::Pause for applause while I congratulate myself on those big girl words that I managed to squeeze into one sentence. And the fact that I just rhymed the crap out of pause and applause. I am on a roll!::
I would like to share the interaction with you. I will be using the following abbreviations:
MF- stands for Mother-Fucker AKA the bastard who felt he had the nerve to insult me without due cause.
BB- stands for Beautiful Bitch AKA me when I’m pissed off.
Keep in mind that this is how the conversation begins.
MF- Decent bod but not feeling the nose. U got anymore pics (THIS WAS HIS OPENING LINE)
BB- Congratulations! You’re the biggest scumbag of the day! Thanks for the degrading comments to start my morning. Much appreciated. Have a great day!
MF- Just being honest (WHO ASKED YOU??)
MF- I don’t like weird shaped noses ginabear (Ginabear? Wtf? Are we cool now?)
MF- Its too masculine for me (SO WHY DID YOU MESSAGE ME AT ALL??? Also, there should be a damn apostrophe in “it’s”- you moron.)
MF- Ya dig? (I don’t dig. I’m not a fucking miner).
BB- So here’s an idea, don’t message me.
MF- Good idea. Because I don’t appreciate your tone/nose (I don’t appreciate you pretending that being a dick is the same thing as being “honest.” Honest is if I had asked for your opinion of my nose and received the same response. What you did, sir, is just plain imbecilic, demeaning and RUDE).
Well folks, I suppose that’s it. Clearly it’s time for me to get a nose job. I’m just offending people left and right with my hideously “masculine,” “Italian” features. If my face isn’t making men happy, clearly I have to change it. Right? That’s what society tells us, no?
If you’re not pretty enough, get some work done! Boobs too small? We’ve got silicone for that! Nose too big? We’ve got a scalpel for that! Stomach too big? We’ve got lipo for that!
Why the hell can’t we stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to look perfect? You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. MF is not even CLOSE to being perfect. So let’s just work on loving who we are for more than what’s on the outside. We are all going to age- things will start to sag, skin will wrinkle, hair will fall out and plenty of other stuff that I’m not ready to think about yet- but a good person will always be a good person.
So no, while I’m sure that a nose job would make me look better than I do now- my intention is not to change my looks (especially not because of a disgusting excuse for a man), but to change my attitude.
Don’t get me wrong, I highly doubt my sass is going anywhere- but my outlook on physical perfection has got to get the boot.
I am tired of hearing men tell me that I’m not fit enough or that my nose is too big or that my boobs are too small. It’s my body! If I like it, that’s all that matters. If you don’t like it, there are a million fish in the sea, sweetheart.