Tag: Big Nose

Why I Need Plastic Surgery

I have come to a grand realization today.  Apparently, my face is displeasing to some people.  Largely because, and pardon the pun, my nose is too large.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve heard this.  Once, while I was working at Starbucks, I took a man’s order and he asked “Are you Italian?”  I politely answered yes (because I was being paid to be polite, dammit) and he smugly said “I can see that.  It’s the nose.”

Why thank you, sir.  I needed you to point out one of my largest, again pardon the pun, insecurities.

Now today, I started my day with a similar message from a lovely gentleman* on my online dating app.  I use the term “gentleman” facetiously as he was rather egregiously NOT a gentleman.

::Pause for applause while I congratulate myself on those big girl words that I managed to squeeze into one sentence.  And the fact that I just rhymed the crap out of pause and applause.  I am on a roll!::

I would like to share the interaction with you.  I will be using the following abbreviations:

MF- stands for Mother-Fucker AKA the bastard who felt he had the nerve to insult me without due cause.

BB- stands for Beautiful Bitch AKA me when I’m pissed off.

Keep in mind that this is how the conversation begins.

MF- Decent bod but not feeling the nose. U got anymore pics (THIS WAS HIS OPENING LINE)

BB- Congratulations! You’re the biggest scumbag of the day!  Thanks for the degrading comments to start my morning.  Much appreciated.  Have a great day!

MF- Just being honest (WHO ASKED YOU??)

MF- I don’t like weird shaped noses ginabear (Ginabear?  Wtf?  Are we cool now?)

MF- Its too masculine for me (SO WHY DID YOU MESSAGE ME AT ALL??? Also, there should be a damn apostrophe in “it’s”- you moron.)

MF- Ya dig? (I don’t dig. I’m not a fucking miner).

BB- So here’s an idea, don’t message me.

MF- Good idea.  Because I don’t appreciate your tone/nose (I don’t appreciate you pretending that being a dick is the same thing as being “honest.”  Honest is if I had asked for your opinion of my nose and received the same response.  What you did, sir, is just plain imbecilic, demeaning and RUDE).

Well folks, I suppose that’s it.  Clearly it’s time for me to get a nose job.  I’m just offending people left and right with my hideously “masculine,” “Italian” features.  If my face isn’t making men happy, clearly I have to change it.  Right?  That’s what society tells us, no?

If you’re not pretty enough, get some work done!  Boobs too small?  We’ve got silicone for that!  Nose too big?  We’ve got a scalpel for that!  Stomach too big?  We’ve got lipo for that!

Why the hell can’t we stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to look perfect?  You’re not perfect.  I’m not perfect.  MF is not even CLOSE to being perfect.  So let’s just work on loving who we are for more than what’s on the outside.  We are all going to age- things will start to sag, skin will wrinkle, hair will fall out and plenty of other stuff that I’m not ready to think about yet- but a good person will always be a good person.

So no, while I’m sure that a nose job would make me look better than I do now- my intention is not to change my looks (especially not because of a disgusting excuse for a man), but to change my attitude.

Don’t get me wrong, I highly doubt my sass is going anywhere- but my outlook on physical perfection has got to get the boot.

I am tired of hearing men tell me that I’m not fit enough or that my nose is too big or that my boobs are too small.  It’s my body!  If I like it, that’s all that matters.  If you don’t like it, there are a million fish in the sea, sweetheart.

Go fish.

 

 

False Celebrity

The oh so sexy Me.

Don’t you just hate seeing pictures of yourself plastered all over the news, in magazines and on the internet?  And all of the gossip they talk about you??  I mean, I didn’t even notice the paparazzi!  Come to think of it, I don’t remember posing for Vogue either…

The ever talented, Lea Michele.

Oh wait, that’s Lea Michele, not me.  Silly girl.

     Aside from a very “distinguished” nose, I just can’t see the likeness! (Important Side Note– There is no appropriate way to tell me that I have a big nose.  I’ve heard it all and it’s insulting every time.  Out of all of these insults, I have chosen “distinguished” as the least likely to get you punched in the face).  You would be surprised at how many people tell me, “You look just like that girl from Glee!”  I choose to take it as a compliment whether it’s meant as one or not, but I can’t help over-analyze this celebrity look-a-like phenomenon.  (I over-analyze everything, so of course I would analyze something so petty.  That’s just how I roll.  Go with it or go google something more important, like the mating ritual of a mandrill.)

     Back when I was waitressing,  a whole year and a half ago, patrons would walk in and ask if the “Glee girl” could be their server.  This happened at least twice a month.  Once, I even got, “You sure you’re not the Glee girl?”  Sir, you are a genius.  How could I hide it from you?  I, Lea Michele, have decided to stay based in New Jersey, waiting tables at your local sports bar, because honestly, my dream job and millions of dollars just aren’t fulfilling enough.  You caught me!  Now, would you like steak fries or waffle fries with your burger?

     Will I forever be a poor man’s Lea Michele?  I can’t sing, I can’t dance, and I can’t act.  Well okay, I haven’t completely accepted the fact that I can’t act yet so let me just hang onto that pipe dream for a bit longer.  Let’s say, just for kicks, that I become famous one day; I will forever be “the girl who looks a little like Lea Michele.  What’s her name again?  You know, the one from Glee!  Oh no, that was Lea Michele too.”  Malin Akerman, I feel your pain; always having to compete with Cameron Diaz.  Poor girl.

     Perhaps one day this gift or (curse?) will come in handy.  I may decide to drastically change my lifestyle and try sneaking into an incredibly exclusive restaurant BUT I won’t have to sneak because I will pass myself off as Lea Michele, or Idina Menzel, or Vanessa Lengies, or one of the other ladies I supposedly look like.  There are tons of shows using that same plot line on TV right now!  Illegal you say?  Damn you television, polluting my brain with nonsense!  Oh well.  It’s official; it’s a curse.  I will forever be a poor man’s Lea Michele.

     OR, as a last-ditch effort, I can start a youtube campaign to put me on ‘Glee’ as Rachel’s long-lost sister!  Who’s with me?!  That thing about me not being able to sing or dance…that was a…lie?  Yeah…let’s go with that!

Phooey, perhaps a love letter to Ryan Murphy is in order.