Month: November 2013

What NOT to do When Hitting on a Woman (Don’t Be ‘That’ Guy)

This article is for the men who think they’re hot shit and the women who roll their eyes every time they speak.

Gentlemen, may I give you a bit of advice? 

My apologies, I shouldn’t address you as “gentlemen” because that would imply that you are indeed gentlemen.  That would be a falsehood, as this article is intended for the men who don’t know what it is to respect a woman.  The rest of you men, the ones who know what it is to open a door for a woman and compliment her intelligence rather than her ass, you are free to bypass this article. 

So pay attention, boys.  When attempting to hit on a woman you have just met:

  1. NEVER put your hands on a woman, no matter how innocent you think it is.  If you just met her or do not know her well enough to call her a friend, your hands should remain at your sides.  Not on the small of her back, not on her hand, not on her shoulder- AT YOUR SIDES.  (You may hear women talk about how sweet it is when a man puts his hand on the small of their back, and it is, most of us truly enjoy this sign of affection but only if we know you and feel COMFORTABLE with you.  Anything else is stranger danger!)
  2. Don’t call a woman that you just met, “baby.”  She is not your baby.  She is a grown woman who is most likely packing mace.  Don’t condescend.  It’s not attractive.
  3. If you must compliment her beauty, do it sparingly.  Once is more than enough.  Any more than that and a respectable woman can see the wheels turning in your dirty, dirty mind.
  4. Piggy backing off of number 3, if you must compliment her beauty- do NOT use words such as “hot,” “bangin’,” “cute as hell,” “fine.”  Reach into the chasms of your mind and pull out your big boy words, “beautiful,” “stunning,” “gorgeous.”
  5. Don’t talk over her.  All that tells her is that you don’t care what she has to say. 
  6. Don’t talk about sex!  If you are genuinely interested in a woman for more than her body, don’t make her uncomfortable by bringing up your most base instinct.  It doesn’t matter how attractive you are or are not, if you are talking about sex, you have already been labeled a creep.  JUST DON’T DO IT.

As women, we quite often experience these idiotic advances.  Don’t be that guy!  We don’t want to know how big your equipment is.  (Honestly, we’re just going to make fun of it later anyway.)  We don’t care what positions you find sexiest and we certainly don’t care how long it’s been since you last got off.

Don’t ever assume that because a woman is dressed a certain way, that she is or is not willing to do certain things.  For example, I may be covered in jewelry and flowers and the most stereotypical girly items I can find, but I sure as hell will not hesitate to mace your conceited, boarish ass if you do any of the above.

Likewise, a girl in a short skirt is not “easy” or “asking for it.”  SHE LIKED THE DAMN SKIRT.  That’s as far as it goes.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some variation of “What do you mean you don’t want to have sex?  Why do you wear such short skirts then?”  Now, because of those scumbags, I will no longer wear a skirt on a date.  Am I proud of that?  No, I hate that I’ve allowed these pigs to affect my sense of self; but because of men like that I have become fearful that what I wear is sending a message that only these bastards can decipher.

So do us all a favor, and don’t be that guy.  If you can’t follow any of the above instructions, creep back into your little cave and stay there.  We promise we won’t miss you.